Mathematical Dismemberment
by Doppler Effect
Summary: Jamie had a few questions about how the legends didn't age or...explode, and were able to get around the world in one day or night. To the best of their abilities, the Guardians give answers.


Note: I was originally going to do something with a panda bear-

[Tooth: What's with the…?

Bunny: Mound a' black an' white in North's livin' room?

Tooth: Yeah…

Jack It's a panda!

Bunny: _Why?_

Jack: Because North decided we needed a mascot. And he's perfect! He's fluffy, like Bunny; he's always asleep, like Sandy, he's cuddly, like North; and he's so happy, like Tooth!

Tooth: Then how does he resemble you?

Jack: Because he's so _lazy_! Do you think he'll carry me around when he's older?]

-but alas, I couldn't think of much for it. Later on, Jamie's going to mention something about them exploding. Yes, this is true. They would explode because of the force of having to cover the world so fast in one night/day. That or they would catch on fire or just turn into a pile of jelly. My twin has a link on her account for further information (**control of chaos** is her name).

I had to write a one-shot because we just had a snow storm. I think Jack is trying to see how close he can put a snow storm to Easter before Bunny comes after him.

-.-.-.-.-.-

"C'mon, Bunny, live a little, would you?" Jack joked, balancing precariously on the end of his staff. A knot of worry would tighten in Bunny's stomach every time he saw that, until the teenager opened his mouth. Then any worry would turn into the urge to knock the staff out from underneath him and watch the arrogant winter spirit fall on his face.

"No. I don't _want_ ta know what yer surprise is. Go away."

"But the others are going to show up soon, and it'd be rude for me to just leave," Jack pointed out, hopping down to twirl his staff lazily. He tapped the edge of it against the ground, curious as to how fast the Warren's heat would melt the frost he created. Bunny shot him an irritated look and he raised his hands, deciding not to raise any more of the other Guardian's ire.

"The _others_?!" Bunny got up from where he had been sitting. Five eggs that had been scattered on his knees and in his lap jumped and wobbled away to avoid being crushed. "This is my home, so ya better tell me what the surprise is now!"

"Or what?"

"Or I'll kick ya out, no matter who's comin'!"

"Even if it were Jamie and Sophie?"

Bunny closed his mouth quickly, eyeing Jack's smirk. "_What_?"

Jack twirled his staff again. It came to my attention that Sophie has been telling Jamie non-stop about your colorful home, but she's kind of hard to understand. Besides, Jamie _did_ save all your hides. Yours quite literally in comparison to the rest of us."

"_Our_ hides."

"I would've been fine, since I wasn't a Guardian yet. You…on the other hand…" Jack tucked his staff under his arm and gestured with his hands, as if holding a small, furry object.

"Oh, shut up!"

"Besides, it seems like Jamie had some general questions. I've got some too, actually."

Bunny snorted. "Ya've been around for over three hundred years! Haven't ya figured this stuff out by now?"

"Well, I've only been a Guardian for two _weeks_ and you all ignored me before."

"Oh yeah. But why _here_?"

"It's warm, unlike North's place. I live too close to Burgess and it'd be awkward for them if someone just walked over and saw them talking to thin air. Sophie runs around a lot, so Tooth's place would be dangerous. And as for Sandy, I wasn't sure if the kids would just fall asleep as soon as they stepped onto the island of sand."

Bunny muttered something under his breath. Jack ignored it. Louder, but in just as cross of a tone, he said, "How're the others even getting' here?"

"Various ways. North's picking up the kids."

"Why couldn't you?"

"Had to stop and convince you," Jack cheekily replied. "And look, it worked!"

"I hope ya melt," Bunny snapped.

The snow globe portal opened up at the other end of the Warren. Sophie ran out, happily hugging the first thing she saw. Jamie walked out next, spared a glance at Sophie hugging a rock, and then took a 360 look at the rest of the Warren. "Woah…" He moved out of the way quickly enough so that North didn't run into him when the Russian walked out, but then went back to staring. "Where is this?"

"Underground. Near the equator," Bunny called out, loud enough that Jamie could hear him. Then he gave a sideways glare to Jack and hissed, "_Secret_."

Jack merely smirked. Sandy seemed to be laughing, but of course, it was silent. Bunny blinked, not sure when the golden man had even gotten there. He glanced back at North and saw the portal close over his shoulder. Tooth had apparently come with them, because she was hovering over the rock Sophie was holding.

Sandy floated over to the kids, landing with a light thump beside Sophie. He waved a hand near her to get her attention. She squeaked in happiness and then grabbed him in a hug.

"Well," Jack muttered, "good thing one of you knows how to handle children."

"At least she's not huggin' the rock anymore," Bunny muttered. He crouched down to all fours and took several long, bounding leaps to join the others. He felt a sudden current of air sweep beside him, catching Jack and dropping him off next to Sandy. "Alright, I get the feelin' this'll take a while. Sit down, if ya want."

Jamie sat down on a small, moss-covered boulder. North sat down on a larger one, and Sandy nudged Sophie towards one near her brother. Jack chose to just lean against a massive rock, staff resting against his shoulder, and Tooth and Sandy hovered in the air. Bunny just stood where he was.

"Jack told us you had questions?" North prompted Jamie.

"A few," the boy replied, laughing slightly. "I mean, I believe and everything, but some of it just…doesn't make sense."

"Like the Easter Bunny actually being a k-"

"Consider if yer words are worth a fight, Frosty."

"Consider it yourself!"

Jamie paused before whispering to North, "They don't get along?"

"They're cats and dogs."

"Bunnies and greyhounds," Jack added smartly.

"Heat and ice," Bunny amended.

"Okay! Jamie!" Tooth rubbed the side of her head, possibly pushing back a headache. "Questions!"

"Right… Why don't you just, uh…"

"Die from old age?" Jack finished, assuming that's what he meant to say.

"…explode?" Jamie muttered.

Jack started laughing but the others looked confused. "What? Bunny frowned.

"Well, I heard some other kids talking on the bus… Not really heard them, I s'pose, but they were talking at us…" He glanced at their bemused expressions. "Pippa was talking about you guys and a few high school kids behind us went on this whole tirade about how you guys weren't realy and stuff, and one of them said something like if you really did all that, you'd explode from having to move so quickly if you went around the world in one night or day all the time."

Not minding the run-on, Tooth immediately nodded, understanding the confusion. "Oh! I see. Well, I don't do much of the field work anymore. I have a lot of faeries who do it instead. I've started going out recently, though… Anyway, Sandy doesn't have to actually be at a house to give a child dreams. Usually, he does it all from the same place. Bunny's eggs usually hide themselves. North's the only one who really has to go everywhere, but his trip isn't as long as the scientists think. For instance, he can jump across the Atlantic and other areas through portals. North also does something the scientists don't take into their math: he doesn't always go down the chimney."

"But… How does all this stuff work? Like, the sleigh, and faeries, and…"

"Jamie," Jack said, getting the kid's attention. "How do airplanes fly?"

"Um, it's complicated…"

"Same here. It works, but it'd take forever to explain to you."

Jamie nodded, thinking. "Okay… Why is it that parents don't believe in any of you when they see presents under the tree, eggs in the backyard, and teeth gone from under their pillow? They didn't do it?"

"Some of the presents I deliver are not seen by the parents or children," North said. "Most of them aren't. Instead, they merge with other presents under the tree. When presents are opened, the ones I delivered make sure the children have many good experiences with them."

"That's so cool!"

"Parents aren't usually payin' attention durin' egg hunts," Bunny said. "As for teeth, they just think they already put the coin down there or their spouse did. Besides, they're not lookin' for proof that we're out there anymore."

"Um, so, how do you all get around? I mean, North's sleigh makes sense, but how are the reindeer strong enough to pull all that weight of all the presents? And Bunny's tunnels don't really follow logic, and Jack… I don't even know how you get around."

"Reindeer very strong," North said proudly. "And portal in bag allows yetis to push presents for next stop up into bag. I don't carry all of it around at the same time."

"It's back to the airplane thing for the rest of us," Jack said. "Wind carries me around. We get along pretty well."

"Wait, you get along with _wind_?" Bunny said, trying not to let his jaw hang. "For how long?"

"Um, since I became Jack Frost…?"

Bunny shook his head, gesturing for Jamie to continue. "Um," the boy said, "okay, well, what about being invisible to everyone else but kids who believe?"

"No clue," Bunny stated blandly. "Look, d'ya think we sit around tryin' ta figure this all out? No time."

"Why don't you deliver presents to the adults?" The questions were becoming less awkward as Jamie got used to interrogating them.

"They're annoyin' and there's way too many of 'em."

"How have you lived for so long?"

"Love."

Jamie blinked at Jack's deadpanned statement. The winter spirit looked totally serious. "Love?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"Well, I don't know about the others, but Bunny and I couldn't possibly die without harassing each other one more time."

"Shaddup, Frostbite!"

"See? He denies it because it's true."

"Sorry, Jamie, that's one of the things we can't tell you," Tooth said sadly. "The reason we're like this… Not all of our stories are happy ones. We have to keep it secret."

"Jack's situation isn't very serious about why he hasn't aged, though," Bunny said.

"Actually, I never knew why that was the case, so I'll be interested to hear this one," Jack said, glancing at Jamie with a small smile. "I don't know all this stuff either."

"Let's say yer goin' ta become immortal," Bunny told Jamie. "Ya would need something ta counterbalance who ya are so ya don't age. Since Jack's a winter spirit, he needs to have a strong source a' heat to counterbalance it."

Jack frowned in confusion. "Wait, really? But I'm always in cold places."

"Yeah, but yer full a' hot air."

Jack met Bunny's smirk with a deadpanned expression. North began laughing and Sandy rolled his eyes. "Okay!" Tooth said, rubbing the side of her head again. "We'll be dropping those two off somewhere desolate so they can work out their problems later. Anymore questions, Jamie?"

"No, I'm good. I mean, I do, but Jack and Bunny might not get along ever again if I ask anything else," Jamie said, laughing.


End file.
